I've got it all figured out...

long time

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 05:18:49 GMT

It's been a long time since I have written on here...or written for my own pleasure period.

I really should be getting to sleep, but I've had an itch to get on here.

A lot has changed in the past year, I am entering a new season of my life. I graduated from CU in may and moved home to Aurora. It has been good to be home. It has been good for my health too :). I started graduate school at Denver Seminary a few weeks ago. I am working towards my Masters in Counseling. It is inconceivable to me that in 2 years I will have a Masters! :)

I am enjoying it so far, but so far in life I have never been so busy. I want to try to write more.

Well this should be motivation enough. I have a cold and I just finished studying, so I am going to get some rest.

Hello livejournal, i've missed you :)

<3
me

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 23:46:57 GMT

I start grad school on August 25th :) for my MA in Counseling and colorado counselor lisensure program. Yay!!!

I have lost 15 lbs. 15 more to go!!!!! :)

i want to write again....but i have to go now to take my puppy to puppy school...i'll write more tonight. :)

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 16:41:25 GMT

Life moves pretty quick...if you're not paying attention you might miss it.

This has never meant anything to me. But I graduate in 40 days. 40 days and I am an adult. I feel like a kid. People want to pay be a salary to work...that makes no sense. I feel like I should be applying to places like starbucks or old navy still. AHHHHHH.

Plan:
coach for the summer
apply for HR jobs
get a job
apply for denver seminary for marraige and family counseling
go to denver seminary...
live my life.

It (MY LIFE) is staring me in the face, and i don't want to look...but i do...because it will be beautiful.

I have no motivation to do anything for school. 40 days. suck it up.

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 02:12:15 GMT

Nick,

Just listen to me. Put aside yourself and please hear me out. I am a Christian...it's who i am. I never tell you to be like me. You are who you are, and I never argue that. Be happy that I have something in my life that brings me joy. I am happy being a police officer does that for you, even though I don't want to be one.

Do you not see me? Do you not know me? Do you not know that I look up to you and brag about you? Do you not see how much I wanted this to work? And yet, you tare me down...little by little until i break.

We are NOTHING alike. NOTHING. so why do I care? and why do i try? Because it's in my nature. And because i wanted things to change. I didn't want to break my parents hearts. I didn't want to break my grandparents hearts. But I am not strong enough to handle what you give me.

Everyone thinks that I am "too sensitive". No. I refuse to think that this is because I am flawed. It is because I am a human being who wants to be loved, and nothing more. And the hate that is in you kills me. Really.

You NEVER listen to me. Even when I am agreeing with you, you tell me I am wrong and that I don't know anything. I'm not ignorant. I'm not stupid. Because I chose to belive in God and Jesus does not make me a fool...it makes me someone who knows what she is living for, why can't that be enough for you? Why can't I be enough for you?

My heart it heavy. It literally hurts. It hurts because you don't care. It hurts because you are mean. I am embarrassed that Chad has to see this. I am sad that Phia has to see this. Does her brother hurt her? Don't you see the damage that is done? Why can't you be the Man and just treat me as the person I am and not someone else?

Once I was told that it did not matter that we were siblings...I owed you nothing. But i REFUSED to believe that. I wanted so much for you to know that I loved you despite the fact that we are nothing alike. But I cannot handle this. I cannot take this abuse. I cannot love somone who does not want to love me back. I'm sorry. I wish i was tough and I wish I could laugh it off, but I am real...I am a person...and the things you do hurt. Get over youself.

One day I hope you wake up and realize that you had a sister who would have done anything for you. I hope you realize that you broke me down. I hope you realize how foolish you were for acting like you did and for ruining any chance we had at a relationship. When mom and dad are gone, what will you have?

I'm sorry, but you won't have me.

All my love,
Becca

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 01:19:33 GMT

so my brother is a denver cop.
my dad went on a ride-a-long with him today,
and i think he turned into a 7 year old.

he got home an hour ago and hasn't stoped talking about my brothers job and how NEAT it is :o)

haha.

he played cowboys and indians a lot as a child and today he got to play realy life cops and robbers

wanna do a line man?

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 00:58:14 GMT

wow cool. cocaine. real sweet.
FUCK that.

what is this world coming to? what are my "friends" coming to?

when did coke become something that everyone does? when did it become not a big deal?

I hate drugs. They ruin lives.

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 06:04:20 GMT

my heart hurts.

this is an emergency.

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 22:56:11 GMT

Tell me where our time went
And if it was time well spent
Just don't let me fall asleep
Feeling empty again

Cause I fear I might break
and I fear I can't take it
Tonight I'll lie awake feeling empty

I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
I'm better off without you
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
I'm better off without you

Now that I'm losing hope
And there's nothing else to show
For all of the days that we spent
Carried away from home

Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
I'm sitting all alone feeling empty

Without you

Feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
You're better off without me

man over woman...NO

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 22:00:28 GMT

My life is so amazing right now. I'm not boasting...rather expressing my grattitude.

I live with 16 women and it is incredible. You'd think it would be awful and petty...but these women have amazed me...their love for God and each other. There is no drama...NONE....evryone is clean..everyone gets a long...its never loud and you are never with out a friend. Ahhh it is AMAZING.

I am so content with my relationships with people and who I am.

Lauren Lau and I were talking about who we would be without God. I'd be doing cocaine. No joke. I would like to say that I would be a good person on my own, but I am who I am because of who HE is. It blows me away. I'd be so lost.

In church today, the pastor was talking about spiritual warfare and about the devil. He was talking about genesis when eve and adam ate the forbidden fruit... God curses child bearing so that it will be painful. The next verse then says that the woman will serve her husband and that he will rule over her. Ok...so that always seriously bothered me. But the pastor today made me see why the bible says that. When he says that it is not what he wants. He is talking about how the world is cursed because of sin. So when he says man will rule over his wife he is saying "because of sin...this is how it will be...but i didn't intend for that at all!" and if you think about problems in relationships--they all deal with respect. Or highschool girls who are ruled by boys telling them they are beautiful so that they can get sex from the girl. Do you get what i am saying? Because of sin...this wil be a problem but it is NOT what God intended. Hah. I knew my God was a good God. Haha...sorry but i just LOVE that i just figured that out today. Plus...God created woman and then said the world was good :o).

I'm at brewing market...its raining...im listening to Shawn McDOnald...drinking a vanilla latte...and attempting to read for class.

Life is amazing.

Love always.
Me.

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 05:57:18 GMT

Ok...so this is lame...but I was on youtube and came across avril lavign's music video for a song called "when you're gone" and i seriously cried. watch it. you'll cry. it made my heart hurt.

im not confused anymore :o). Life is good and back to normal. I graduate in 9 months.

noo i never saw it coming.

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 07:29:21 GMT

I've been so in-between for 3 years now. In-between homes In-between ideas of what I want to be In-between feelings In-between old friends and new ones. In-between faith and apathy. I just want to get there... wherever there is.

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 03:31:36 GMT

ive never been so...confused...in my life.

i haven't been sad in over 2 years. it just all caught up with me.

I feel so far from where I've been.

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 17:35:53 GMT

Venus Di Milo in her half baked shell
Understood the meaning of love very well.
She said a good love is delicious, you can't get enough too soon.
It makes me so crazy, i want to swallow the moon.

imogen heap- hide and seek.

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 18:45:26 GMT

Where are we? What the hell is going on?

The dust has only just begun to form,

Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.

Spin me round again and rub my eyes.

This can't be happening.

When busy streets a mess with people

would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.

Trains and sewing machines.

All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls

Where pleasure moments hung before.

The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this

still life.

Hide and seek.

Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)

Blood and tears,

They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah of course it is.

Mmm, what you say?

Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.

Mmm what you say?

What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.

Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.

Speak no feeling, no I dont believe you.

You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.

Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.

Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.

You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 05:55:55 GMT

i will be 21 in 24 hours
that sounds so old to me....

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 05:41:45 GMT

this is what i wanted right? safety.
how come i am on such an edge?
how come it feels as though in an instant i could blow it?

im 2 weeks away from finishing my junior year of college. i keep myself busy. i dont know where i will be in a year.

life update

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 02:19:22 GMT

I like looking back at my old entries and remembering where i was...
so i am going to write now...

Mmmmm....junior year is FLYING by.
I am president of ADX this semester--it is so time consuming and draining, but i really like it at the same time

My hair is getting long :o) It

I am still in love...and have been for almost 2 year. I really never saw my life like that. but i like it, and i'm not going to take it for granted.

Lately, I have been....let's say....shocked. Shocked by people in my life.Shocked by their actions and how they think and what they think. Don't get me wrong- people can do what they want think what they want and feel whatever. But I am having a hard time because multiple people in my life are not who i thought they were. They just are like "hey i am not at all who you thought i was!" well not really...but that is how it has felt. its been hurtful/disappointing. Not that they were better how i saw them....but i just feel deceived.

Yeah-- so i'm reading Othello--never read it before, although had many class discussions about it where i just nodded my head because everyone else knew. so its nice to finally know whats going on.

I am going to be a research assistant at the cognitive development center at CU hopefully....i have my 2nd interview next week (i made it thru the first on!) i feel grown up :o)

I'm going to go to grad school...and then be a clinical psychologist----its nice finally having a goal. I had an epiphany during class about a month ago....and i like it.

i am 21 in 2 months....

love.

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 07:27:10 GMT

God help me.

Christian women are driving me insane. seriously. i am one...but really............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

God help me.

i want it to be warm out.

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 17:44:14 GMT

I don't have a minute for myself. sometimes it sucks, but its alright.

I'm either at class, meeting with people, studying, babysitting, working, in meetings...in more meetings.

I also have been keeping a clean house. why can no one else contibute? no? ok.

I also have to find time to work out. i've lost 20 lbs...and i can't ruin it. GAR.

Im going to cali for sping break. and disney land. eff going to CABO and being drunk. how about being sober and happy and hugging mickey? Yes please. and the beach too. I will write my name in the sand.

I love the Brewing Market. I could stay up studying all night...because people are in there all night, so you never really feel like its late and that you should be in bed. Im getting used to no sleep :o).

i had a good v-day. it wasn't hyped up, and thats what made it wonderful. I babysat. the little girl...whitney...taped a red heart cut out of construction paper that read To: Beaka to the door to greet me. it was neat. Chad picked me up and had a rose and a card that made me tear up. And then we watched Robin Hood-the disney movie. I got it for chad :o).

Also, did you know that the color of an egg shell depends on the color of the chickens ear lobe. Brown chickens= brown eggs. Brown eggs are not more healthy for you.

my hair is long now. do you ever think your hair changes you a little? i do, weird.

my brother is a denver police officer as of 2 weeks ago. neat.

<3
Becca

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 17:30:24 GMT

I'm confused.

This has been the busiest week of my life but i feel like i have accomplished nothing.

I'm in a rut. with relationships...with faith...with motivation...with everything.

Arg.

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 02:17:01 GMT

Xan and I took the lightrail downtown today from by my house. It was really fun.
Denver is so cool. I live in an awesome city.
We went to the pavilions, the capitol, city park, writers square, Larimer Square, Market St.
I have lived here my whole life and i was taking pictures like a tourist.

i like the city :o)

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 07:32:00 GMT

Again :o) A new year....

1. What did you do in 2006 that you had never done before? hmm...saved money :o). Nothing too special...it was kind of a dull year :(

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? yes i did! i have lost 22 lbs. yay. and im planning on more. And this year i have a few others :o) i really like new years resolutions

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My cousin Shannon had sophia and she is lovely.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No. Almost. My aunt was given 2 weeks...but that was 6 months ago and she is still here.

5. What countries did you visit? Alabama. The south is a different WORLD.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? I seriously have everything i could want right now. my life has never been so incredibly
content....

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? June 16th again...because chad and i hit 1 year! amazing. I am in love...the real thing!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I am pres of my sorority which is huge...my grades were happy...and getting motivated to work out and change my eating habits was the biggest achievement.

9. What was your biggest failure? not letting people i know how much i care about them.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i have never been healthier :o)

11. What was the best thing you bought? My little red civic. LOVE her.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Chad has really made me proud. And i am also really proud of Ryan and who he has become.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? not appalled...just sad for them, but i'd rather not say.

14. Where did most of your money go? on chad :o).

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? i have been really excited about my faith. I also got really excited about my car. and the Dave matthews concert...it kicked ass. and i am now really excited that i will be living with Xan and Kristen next year!

16. What song will always remind you of 2006? How to Save a Life (the fray) Sexy Back (mr. jt)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? same...so HAPPY. but more content than excited?

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? gone out...

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? worked! it consumed my summer...boo.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?already done...Christmas eve i worked (ick) but i went to my Grammas house and then Church with the fam and Chad...Christmas day i spent at Chads....i was in the family gift exchange!

20. How will you be spending New Years? we're done! I spent it with Chad at his aunts....sucking at poker :o)

22. Did you fall in love in 2005? I suppose so...because i fall in love every day with him. cheesy i know but i do.

23. How many one-night stands? sick none.

24. What was your favorite TV program? hmmm didn't watch too much....FRIENDS because i got the season DVD's

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? nah.

26. What was the best book you read? Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets...i am re reading the series before the 7th book comes out this spring! I'm such a DORK.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Music was sadly missing from my life this year. I do however love the Fray...how could you not?

28. What did you want and got? a new car :o). My snow boots. oh and my HOT PINK vonzipper goggles!!!

30. What was your favorite film of this year? The Holiday. What came out this year? I dunno.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was 20...went to mongolian BBQ in pink with the girls + chad.

32. What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? nothing at all...

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept
in 2006?
lots of indie if thats even the name for it. My fav outfit this summer was my plaid shorts and my blue tank top.

34. What kept you sane? my faith. Kristen and Xan. Chad. my mommy.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Fergie. I know...her songs are really stupid but i effing LOVE her.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Immigration...i did my research paper on it....

37. Who did you miss? i dunno....

38. Who was the best new person you met? Loren Ellison :o) yay work.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006. God is truly amazing. Love is truly unconditional. Being healthy takes work and dedication.

40. Quote or a song lyric that sums up your year: i can't think of one...but when i do i'll post it.

happy new year!!!!

i apologize...i am complaining again...

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 04:49:44 GMT

I just watched the notebook and cried so hard. again. i really hope i get to keep my memory...ah im going to cry again.

then.... my mom called and yelled at me about money. awesome.

did i mention i failed my biology test?

and i don't like the smell of hard liquor on the breath of strangers in my living room in the morning. it is truly disgusting.

i never thought i'd be so ready to grow up.... :o/

life is so weird

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 05:53:17 GMT

So i am home briefly for thanksgiving. I come home like every two weeks normally...but just to my house to see my parents.
I went to betsy's tonight, and I felt like a 30 year old because we talked about how we don't even remember people from high school.

I used to have a bunch of guy friends in high school, but i have no idea what any of them are doing now. Sometimes i think it would be cool to get our highschool crew all together, but then I remember we probably all have nothing in common other than we once were friends. I drove past my school for the first time in a long time...they finally put a name top the street you turn on to get into it "Buffalo way" or something equally as cheesy. Its better then "turn at the next light...". I am so detatched from highschool, which is weird for me because at one time I thought those people and those moments would be my life.

I went to California this past weekend with my grandparents...hmmm...family is one of the stranger aspects of life. My aunt is hilarious/crazy and i seem to be the only family member who really enjoys her. My grandparents don't approve of her life, how she raises her kids, the job she has, her housekeeping skills....but she is funny and she smokes and drinks and her kids are her life and i absolutely love her. My grandpa drives 20 mph below the speed limit on the highway.

I am the baby of the family and because of that, everyone tells me things. My aunt vents about the whole family, my grandparents bash my aunt, my mom tries not to talk but she vents about various uncles and her sister and my dads family, and my cousins talk to me about their moms and uncles. Therefore...i have had no real opinions about my extended family. But i decided i will decide what i think of them myself. And everyones opinions are fucked up anyways because they all basically think the same thing about the other person because of a lack of communication. I feel like im watching a TV soap opera when im with extended family and i might be the only person (if possible) to be objective.

Ok..so my Aunt Cindy...my moms sister, the one my grandparents disapprove of....well shes awesome. Everyone my whole life has told me how horrible she is, but i've always really liked her and wanted to be around her. She might be the only honest one in the whole family. She tells it like it is.

Family is always so hush hush and we should be more open. For example...my great grandma's brother killed his wife with a hammer and then killed himself, thats why my grandma's cousins were raised with her. Who knew? I knew they died, but no one says why. Aunt Cindy told me why. Murder...in MY family...unbelievable. Explains a lot.

I am just rambling...but this week has just been bizzare, so i thought i'd try to catalog it in some form. And i want to start writing again.

Off topic...but i love Jewel. I always have loved her. and her new CD...Alice in Wonderland is amazing. Makes me want to write.

I'm still in love. maybe thats why i have let go of everything else. One of my philopsophy professors was talking about love and the sublime. He said that the problem with falling in love is that people try to get back up and continue life as normal like before they fell. Why don't we just stay down? Stay where you fell...and you will be fine :o)

i hope someone reads this :o)

i'm sure i will write more after thanksgiving...because that will be a novel in itself.

i heart DMB.

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 06:22:25 GMT

i truly think that Dave Matthews Band is the best music group of our time. they are incredible. i am not even that into jam bands...they don't do much for me...but Dave is amazing. i got my first dave cd when i was 12...and tonight was the best night ever. He rocked...even at the pepsi center. it was the most incredible set. agh i can't explain to you how awesome it was. not just a realllllly good concert...but i have never felt such a sense of euphoria for 3 hours. LOVE.

lets stay up and make some memories.....